Anderson Cooper's Mass Message

Anderson Cooper recently inboxed all of his friends on Facebook with the latest update from the War in Afghanistan:

Anderson Cooper here reporting for MSNBC, and I have to say that the Peeny Tap War in Afghanistan is far more horrific than the government will have you believe. Children as young as 9 are being trained as soldiers for this crotch-slapping Jihad. Innocent civilians are busting nuts left and right, falling victim to surprise attacks and suicide bombings--or an attack in which the tapper has no protection of his peeny, leaving it open and vulnerable.
I.E.D.s', Improvised Erectile Dysfunctions claim the lives of dozens of U.S. soldiers' manhoods every day, leaving the Afghani streets a completely unnavigable mess. Not even the hot chick from CSI could get through here.
It's really bad guys. I myself have been Peeny Tapped and my black and blue balls are proof that Peeny Warfare is no joke. In fact, my family jewels are so damaged that an army surgeon has informed me that all of my children will be retarded.
This is Anderson Cooper, reporting from Afghanistan.

Even Trash has a Facebook

These are REAL statuses from my favoritest, trashiest, most stalkable facebook friends:

ITS LIKE U SAY U LOVE ME THEN LOOK AT ME N TREAT ME LIKE TRASH. BUT IF U LOVED ME U WUD NO ME AND NO YOU SHUD TREAT ME LIKE TREASURE. PAST IS PAST. LOVE IS REAL. ACTIONS R LOUDER THAN WORDS. THE VIBE U GIVIN...Y AINT U TOOK YO TRASH OUT? AFRAID SUMONE MITE PICK IT UP AND C IT FOR WAT IT IS? IF U WAITN ON TIME TO CHANGE YO WAYS DNT WAIT TOO LONG


I want 2 thank my GOD for wakin me up dis morning and Thank GOD for puttin all my postive ppl in my life and letting me leave the negative ppl alone that wants 2 put me down all the time THANK U GOD I LOVE U


You males need to quit lyin to us females. We know when you're doing we just disregard it because ya'll will defend it to the end!


Click on "Like" if I've ever made you smile in your life. Then, set this as your status and see how many people you have made smile. Play along and re-post it


You are the most PRECIOUS to me in this world after my Parents (REAL post from a REAL husband to his WIFE...not joking)


~~~~~~DAMN ((EEEEEEVVVVVVVVRRRRYYYYYYYY)) 1 BOO*D UP NOW~~~~~~~~WTF :/

Bono's Newest Song

Songwriter Bono has taken to posting his newest songs on his Facebook fan page. The newest one reflects his most recent visit to Jersey Shore.

So, let’s take a second here

And talk about Jersey Shore

The spray on tans, the greasy hair

And don’t forget the whores

Down on the boardwalk in Jersey

There’s a wonderful kind of life

With snooks, and J-Woww and Chlamydia

GTL every day, party every night

Down on the boardwalk in Jersey

Where sequins and glitter reside

Velour running suits are totally cool

Ed Hardy shirts are stretched so tight

Let’s take a second here

And talk about Jersey Shore

The booty shorts and tramp stamps

And don’t forget the whores

Down on the boardwalk in Jersey

Waking up in vomit ain’t no big

No one will ever judge you

If your Herpes flares up every other week

Down on the boardwalk in Jersey

Those Catholic Italians roam

Eating lasagna, praying the rosary

Gym, tan, laundry, party, home

Let’s take a second here

And talk about Jersey Shore

All those grenades can go and hang themselves

Cause we only want the whores

Don’t forget the whores

Those beautiful Jersey Shore whores 

Facebook CNN Application

Facebook has just released a new application by CNN. The application grants all members updates from CNN's budget desk. See what stories the newsmen are pitching with this new application!

Roll of Shame—this inspiring piece is about a paraplegic sorority girl that bravely rolls in her wheelchair all the way home from the frat house, make-up running, shoulder strap askew, tangled hair, missing shoe, and dignity lost.  Unlike the other sorostitutes, this girl cannot walk the Walk of Shame, but that doesn’t stop her from being a whore.  Interview her about her bravery, including overcoming the difficulties of steering a wheelchair while still drunk from the night before.

Taxidermy helps preserve memory of loved ones—A taxidermist has taken to stuffing and mounting busts of the recently deceased, meaning that just because grandma is dead, doesn’t mean she can’t come to Christmas dinner!   Interview family member of someone with taxidermied loved one about how, “it’s like they never died!” Talk about all the activities people do with the taxidermied busts, like going to the movies, fishing, or having family dinners at Applebee’s.  

Irish nation confused over mission of Alcoholics Anonymous—Irishmen and women are completely befuddled about what Alcoholics Anonymous is.  They cannot grasp why there would be a program to help people stop drinking.  Furthermore, why would God support such a program?  Interview an Irishman about how he went to an AA meeting and was flustered that the only drink available was coffee.  Also have AA representative there to explain.  Irishman gets even more confused, than angry, and a fight ensues.     

Kim Jong Il moonlights as fast food mascot—According to North Korean officials, Kim Jong Il has secretly been working as a fast food mascot to earn some extra cash.  Interview political analyst that talks about how being a tyrant is expensive, and Kim Jong Il’s taste for fashion (high heels and shades) exceeds his dictator salary.  Also interview fast food restaurant manager, who says Kim Jong Il has won Employee of the Month six times in a row, and is especially good with the children. 

Medical experts discover spread of AIDs caused by displays and acts of gayness—In one of the biggest medical breakthroughs in years, doctors have traced the origins of spreading AIDs to being totally and indisputably gay.  Paisley satin collared shirts, ascots, listening to Elton John, being Elton John, turtlenecks, coordinating socks and shirts, scarves, and other flamboyantly gay displays and/or acts infect the subject with AIDs.  Scientists believe that, since being so gay is the cause of AIDS, being straight (intolerant-of-everyone straight) can cure the disease.  Interview scientific expert as well as extremely gay individual with AIDs, who is remorseful that he had to be so gay.  If he weren’t so gay, he wouldn’t be sick. 

Boy scout first in troop to earn “Not a Virgin” badge—A local boy scout in troop 413 recently had sex with that slutty Junior girl scout Melanie and is the first in his troop to earn the “Not a Virgin” badge, a badge coveted by tiger scouts near and far.  Interview boy scout about how he convinced Melanie to have sex with him (“I showed her all my badges and my amazing compass skills”) and how his fellow troop members have reacted to his new badge. 

“She” did in fact say all of those things—For years we’ve been wondering who she is and why she says all these inappropriate things.  The phrase “that’s what she said” actually applies to someone, and she is finally stepping forward in an exclusive interview and talks about what she really said, what she was referring to, and why she has so many STD’s. 

New exceptions in traffic cases involving Asians—A recent Supreme Court ruling states that any driver who hits and subsequently kills a pedestrian or other driver is not held responsible if the other driver is Asian.  Interview a cop who explains that 100% of the time, the Asian is confused and the accident was most likely—no, definitely—the Asian’s fault.  Also have a handicapped Asian that was hit by a bus explain why it was their fault that the bus did not slow down when the Asian had the right-of-way at an intersection and why it is the Asian’s fault.  Both interviewees support the new ruling, and are excited to know that innocent victims of Asian confusion will no longer go to jail.  

Pope promises to be a great leader for both Catholic church and Nazi Party—Catholic and Nazi officials are thrilled to announce that Pope Benedict XVI has developed a new doctrine that combines his roles as Head of the Church and Hitler Reincarnate.  He assures that important Aryan beliefs such as anti-semitism and anti-everything-else-itism will adhere perfectly to the Cathlic beliefs of anti-semitism and anti-everything-else-itism.  Interview Catholic cardinal and Nazi about the Pope’s plans to healthily incorporate both belief systems into one.

New gag reflex technology improves bulimia—Bulimics everywhere are rejoicing now that doctors have developed gag reflex replacement surgery.  For those bulimics who have stuck their fingers down their throats one-too-many times, gag reflex replacement promises a fresh start.  Interview bulimic who can throw up her food for the rest of her life thanks to the new procedure, and doesn’t have to worry about losing her gag reflex.  Also interview doctor about why it’s important for these girls to keep throwing up and not become fat—because fat people are ugly and annoying. 

Jungle cats petting zoo a hit—The city has introduced a new Jungle Cats Petting Zoo, a petting zoo with exotic jungle animals like lions, tigers, jaguars, and many more.  The zoo has been a great success with families, especially big families that can afford to lose a kid or two to an angry jungle cat.

Acclaim For Facebook

EVERYONE LOVES FACEBOOK!!! Check out these real-life testimonials:

My band is less obsolete and emo because we have 16 fans on Facebook. Righteous.

I can monitor who is getting my daughter pregnant and at which frat house. It’s great!

Best thing for Lepers since Jesus!

I’m Bill Gates, and I’m totally sucking Mark Zuckerberg’s cock right now.

This new stalkbook lets stalkers feel like real people—the closest we’ll ever become to actually feeling real people.

Thanks to Facebook allowing users of all age, pedophiles like me feel right at home…Because, to enjoy Facebook, we literally don’t have to leave our homes! Or our jail cells…

Alternate Names For Facebook

When creating Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg had several ideas for names, including...

GenitaliaBook.com

Desperate4Friendz.com

ZuckerJizzzzzzz.com

SuckItMySpace.com

NoFatChicks.com

NotPornButCloseEnough.com

FucktardsWithLowSelfEsteem.com

BookofAttentionWhores.com 

Why People Deactivate Their Facebook Accounts

Waldo deactivated Apr. 25, 2010.
Reason for leaving: No one could find me on Facebook, so my friend count was ZERO. And I tried having a MySpace, but the same thing: ZERO FRIENDS. Not even Tom could find me. WHY AM I SO FUCKING HARD TO FIND?? Even Osama Bin Laden has friends!!!!

Jesus deactivated Jan. 3, 2011.
Reason for leaving: People kept asking me for shit. I don't want to be dealing with their stupid problems when I'm Facebook stalking Mary Magdalene. Yeah, I tapped that.

Karl Rove deactivated Sept. 4, 2009.
Reason for leaving: Mark Zuckerberg is a homo.

Justin Bieber deactivated Dec. 2, 2010.
Reason for leaving: My Mom found the thread between me and Usher...Including the pictures he sent of his belieber. And by belieber I mean penis.

Allah deactivated Jan. 4, 2011.
Reason for leaving: Just trying to keep up with Jesus.

Sarah Palin Status Updates

Gee whiz golly bang, it's hunting season!! Hockey hockey hockey hockey hockey.

Another long day in Alaska: Hockey, ice fishing, PTA meeting about upcoming hockey season, hockey practice, Bible study, hockey Bible study, a quick game of Shoot The Eskimo and then hockey game! What a day!

Oh brother, America. All I can say is, Mexico? Really? Why do we let it exist?

Just {hockey} finished fixing a {Nobama!} utility line, proving once again that you {hockey} don't need any prior experience {pro-life} to perform a job.

Electricity is back--power lines have been down for a WEEK. And my house burned down. Electrical fire. Kind of a mess. HOCKEY.

Well, good golly miss molly, if I'm not the best hockey Mom to ever live. I started my kids on a new diet--strictly petroleum and the blood of liberals--and it is working wonders.

Check out my mini-series on TLC, "Sarah Palin's Alaska." It's all about me and Alaska and, you guessed it, hockey!

Hockey hockey hockey abortion is wrong hockey hockey jesus hockey hockey I slept with John McCain hockey hockey hockey hockey Fox News hockey hockey hockey hockey my daughter's a whore hockey hockey hockey GUNS hockey hockey.

Facebook Founder In The News

Mark Zuckerberg, father of Facebook, has become a media icon, his days filled with press interviews in regard to different stories. Below are three recent headlining articles that feature Zuckerberg.

United States Places Trade Embargo on Duggar Family

The United States government placed a trade embargo on the Duggar Family, ordering Michelle and Jim Bob to stop producing children.

The Learning Channel’s (TLC) show “19 Kids and Counting” centers around the ever-expanding Duggar Family. Due to the Trade Embargo, TLC has changed the name to “19 Kids Making Soap and Playing Harps,” a move that the network fears will hurt viewing numbers.

“Fans of the show know that every time they turn on that TV, Michelle is popping out another kid,” said TLC President David Bartles. “Without a fetus, the show has nothing. We. Need.
A. Fetus.”

With this new embargo comes new challenges for the Duggars, as children are their main export and source of economic growth. The 19 Duggar children are all products of a booming industry that the Duggars have profited from for over two decades, and without this booming industry, the Duggars fear they will fall into political and economic decline.

The family plans on fighting the trade embargo, defending their ongoing production with their firm belief that God continues giving them children for a reason. According to a statement released by the World Trade Organization, “God gives you birth control for a reason. Use it.” The WTO and United States government refuse to lift the trade embargo until Michelle completes menopause.

According to the official proposal of the trade embargo submitted to legislation by everyone in the world, the Duggar family is already a threat to national security. The socially awkward and overly-religious children are known to start conversations with strangers, discussing things like proverbs and denim skirts.

“We’re hoping that by preventing the creation of any more of these...well, these f*@#!%g weirdos, I guess you would call them, we can put a cap on the obstructive social behavior they exhibit,” said United States Secretary of Defense Robert M. Gates. “This is all in an attempt to make our own children, you know, the normal ones, feel safe.”

Gates has requested that Mark Zuckerberg, asthmatic and creator of popular social networking site Facebook, prevent any of the Duggar children from setting up a Facebook account so as to avoid any, “growth in support, friends or popularity.”

Zuckerberg assures that there is nothing to worry about, as the shut-in Duggar freaks believe the internet is witchcraft. Furthermore, they don’t even know what a computer is.

Bill Nye Doubts Existence of Science

Bill Nye the Science Guy, known worldwide for his love of bowties and his television program, revealed in a recent interview that he is unsure whether or not science actually exists. Audiences are shocked to discover that this mascot of science has doubts about the field’s existence.

Protestors outside the White House are demanding that Nye be stripped of his lab coat and taken off his show, suggesting that Al Gore the Science Whore replace him as host.

“I would love to take over Nye’s post,” Gore said. “Lying to people about science is my absolute favorite.”

Nye explained that he is “going through some tough shit” and “needs to figure stuff out.”

“I just hope all those adorable science geeks in head gear don’t see me as some sort of traitor,” Nye said. “I just don’t know what to believe anymore!”

NASA Administrator Charles Bolden held a press conference this morning to beg the public for their support of Nye while he soul-searches.

“At one point in time, Bill Nye was, in fact, a firm believer in science,” Bolden said. “He had the faith of a child, never questioning why chlorophyll makes things green.”

Bolden went on to say that scientists and want-to-be scientists and pretty much anyone who doesn’t get laid needs to keep Nye in their evolution-supporting thoughts. “Now is not the time to turn our scoliosis-plagued backs on him.”

Facebook creator and pale virgin Mark Zuckerberg is threatening to remove any Bill Nye-related pages on the social networking site. “If I find out that he lied about 1.3 million earths fitting inside the sun, then you better believe I won’t be reducing, reusing, or recycling any of his fan pages. I’m deleting them.”

Awareness Ribbon Awareness Day

In an attempt to raise awareness about awareness ribbons, Dec. 20 has been declared Awareness Ribbon Awareness Day. Convinced that there are not enough wanna-be-Christmas holidays during this month (you’re not a real holiday, Hannukkah. And Solstice … what the F&^%?), President Barack Obama issued an official statement last week about the new holiday.

“We want America to be aware that they are aware, which is why Awareness Ribbon Awareness Day is so crucial,” Obama said. “It also eliminates the need for all these awareness weeks. America doesn’t care that much.”

Ribbon Factory, an online manufacturer of awareness ribbons, has already sold over one million Awareness Ribbon Awareness ribbons, which are made out of intestinal lining because, according to Ribbon Factory CEO Cheryl Fleur, “it is the only color that isn’t being used by some other pointless cause.” The intestinal lining ribbon fridge and car magnets are also selling fast and are already starting to appear on upper middle class family’s minivans and SUVs.

Facebook founder Mark "Faggot" Zuckerberg has personally started 185 groups, 64 fan pages and 82 applications on his social networking site in support of Awareness Ribbon Awareness Day.

“Thanks to awareness ribbons, chicks think I support these causes,” Zuckerberg said, proudly sporting twelve different ribbons on his sweater vest, including the intestinal lining Awareness Ribbon Awareness ribbon. “I don’t even know what Autism is, but I’m wearing this weird-ass puzzle ribbon, so I must be a fan of “Rainman.” Right?”

Hallmark is urging all customers to take advantage of their Awareness Ribbon Awareness Day sound cards, which feature different celebrity figures saying, “I’m Aware” over and over again. Hallmark is also selling Awareness Ribbon Awareness Day calendars, mugs, ornaments and figurines.

Go-Gurt

Go-Gurt can be blamed for every problem with America's youth, starting with the increase in recreational drug use.

It's science.

Customized Facebook Vernacular

There are certain factions of Facebook's population that struggle to comprehend the language of Facebook. They find themselves asking, what is a friend? Why would someone poke me? How can you successfully play tag on the internet? What's the point of writing on someone's wall? It's not even a real wall! And what is this home page nonsense?

This issue is most prevalent in citizens of Detroit, Ireland, Fraternities and Christian Fundamentalism. In its never ending quest to bend over backwards and please everyone (because it has no spine), Facebook has developed customized vernacular settings for individuals encountering troubles having common fucking sense.

DETROIT USERS
A "friend" is referred to as "dealer"
To "poke" someone is to "bend over in the prison shower"
To "tag" someone is to "bust a cap in that ass"
To "write on someone's wall" is to "graffiti yo shit all over that train"
A "home page" is referred to as "meth lab"

IRELAND USERS
A "friend" is referred to as "whatever's on tap"
To "poke" someone is to "hurl yar guinness in their face"
To "tag" someone is to "put yar wife in 'er place"
To "write on someone's wall" is to "kiss their blarney arse"
A "home page" is referred to as "the pub"

FRATERNITY USERS
A "friend" is referred to as either "skank" or "bro"
To "poke" someone is to "bang that slut's brains out"
To "tag" someone is to "ICE"
To "write on someone's wall" is to "sharpie a cock on their forehead"
A "home page" is referred to as "free clinic"

CHRISTIAN FUNDAMENTALIST USERS
A "friend" is referred to as "Jesus"
To "poke" someone is to "graciously force them to accept Jesus as their savior"
To "tag" someone is to "admonish Satan from their secular soul"
To "write on someone's wall" is to "fulfill their book of devotions"
A "home page" is referred to as "Bible Camp"

REDNECK USERS
A "friend" is referred to as "Toby Keith"
To "poke" someone is to "is that gay sex? I ain't gay! God damn it!"
To "tag" someone is to "tattoo your name on their ass"
To "write on someone's wall" is to "put your GED to use"
A "home page" is referred to as "the double wide"

News Headlines News Feed

As a former Journalism student, I like to keep myself up-to-date with current events. I do this by reading headlines. Not articles, just the headlines. Articles have too many words.

 Anyway, some headlines are…well, stupid. They can be misleading, vague or easily misconstrued.

If some of these dumbass headlines appeared in your Facebook news feed, you would definitely Facebook stalk the status of the involved party:

HEADLINE: New Hope for Hepatitis C, An often Hidden Disease

Hepatitis C’s Status: Finally! I’m more popular than A AND B!!!! Who says the youngest can’t be the best? Try forgetting about me now, world!

HEADLINE: Family Prepares Slain Newlywed’s Funeral

Slain Newlywed’s Status: Wish the fam would at least let me have a honeymoon before sticking me in a coffin.

HEADLINE: Palin: ‘I Am Not Going To Shut Up’

Everyone’s Status: Yeah. We know.

HEADLINE: Chernobyl: Nature Haven or Toxic Hellhole?

Chernobyl’s Status: What? I can’t be both?! Why does Alaska get to be both?!

HEADLINE: Shooting Victim Sorry for “Misplaced Outrage”

Shooting Victim’s Status: I mean…I got shot. There’s no need for me to get all angry about it. My apologies. Next time I almost die I’ll keep it cool.

HEADLINE: In Pursuit of Qubits, Uniting Subatomic Particles by the Billions

Everyone’s Status: WTF? 

VIEW UPCOMING EVENTS

Event Name: Nuclear Apocalypse
Event Description: You have pissed off Kim Jong Il for the last time. WE'RE LOOKING AT YOU, SOUTH KOREA.
When: Tomorrow
Where: Fucking everywhere
YOUR RSVP:

• Attending
• Will be in church, pretending I believed in God all along
• Looting, Hurricane Katrina-style

You have been invited by: North Korea

Event Name: End of the World
Event Description: You can't gather this from the name?
When: 2012
Where: Fucking everywhere
YOUR RSVP:

• Attending
• Pretending this is another Y2K and won't come to fruition
• IF THIS RUINS THE OLYMPICS, I'M GONNA BE SO PISSED.

You have been invited by: The Mayans, Nostradamus

Event Name: Global Warming
Event Description: Ice caps melting, glaciers crumbling into the ever-rising sea, carbon dioxide killing the ozone layer--basically everything that is AWESOME.
When: Right now
Where: Fucking everywhere
YOUR RSVP:

• Attending
• Filling atmosphere with aerosol sprays
• I don't give a shit about polar bears

You have been invited by: Al Gore

Event Name: Mayan Calendar Sale
Event Description: Since the Mayan Calendar ends in 2012, it's time to buy a new one!
When: 2012
Where: Mesoamerica (the poor man's Cancun)
YOUR RSVP:

• Attending
• Already have a new one
• Hope this new calendar is as good as the first

You have been invited by: Good Housekeeping magazine

Relationship Status Ideas

Love is bullshit.

As such, I have some suggestions for new “relationship status” options on Facebook:

Eye-raping…

Eye-fucking…

Waving to…

Facebook Stalking…

Using lighthouse stationary to write anonymous love letters to…

Reality Stalking…

Awkwardly Getting to Know…

Drunk Hooking Up With…

Buying Plan B Because Of…

Wishes She/He Had Never Met…

Cheating on Boyfriend/Girlfriend With…

Leading On…

Fuck Buddies With…

Wants To Make Ex Jealous So She/He Is Dating…

Went To Prison After Murdering…

Sent to therapy because of…

Sucking the life out of…

Forcing religious beliefs on…

Barack Obama's 25 Random Facts

1.    I really AM Muslim! And yes, because I’m Muslim, I’m responsible for September 11.  

2.    Not only am I half-black, half-white, I’m half-eagle.

3.    Michelle (or should I say Michael?) got a sex change so that we could get married—CRAZY!!!

4.    Butter Pecan ice cream makes me horny.

5.    I still don’t understand how taxes work.

6.    Nancy Pelosi scares the SHIT out of me.

7.    My original campaign slogan was, “Let’s just give up now” but we changed it to “Yes we can” after the first few months.

8.    I was high off my ass at my inauguration.

9.    My childhood dream was to win a gold medal at the Olympics in Rhythmic Gymnastics.

10.  I send all Make A Wish Foundation requests straight to my spam folder.

11.  I. Fucking. Hate. Basketball. Contrary to popular belief and campaign commercials.

12. I was in beauty pageants until the age of 13.

13.  My iPod is filled with Taylor Swift—she’s my number one ho!

14.  I’m allergic to diversity.

15.  My twitter handle is @barackalackaramabamalove.

16.  I tried to set my high school girlfriend on fire.

17.  I have never actually been to Kenya—all those pictures and videos of me in Kenya are doctored. I’m not stupid enough to go to Africa. Come on.

18.  If I could go gay for anyone, it would be Anderson Cooper.

19.  I think Portugal is a useless country that, if exterminated, would be missed by no one.

20.  I LOVE GUNS!!!!!!!!!!! GUNS GUNS GUNS!!!! You know, it doesn’t matter if someone is a good guy or a bad guy. The winner is the one with the gun.

21.  My middle name, “Hussein,” is a shortened version of “Who’s saying?” because when I was born my Mom was yelling, “WHO’S SAYING HE’S BLACK? HE’S WHITE AS THE POPE. SHOO,” and has nothing to do with the ex-leader of Iraq, though it’d be cool if it did. Right? Am I right? High-five!

22.  Beer, sluts and steak. What else could a man want?

23.  I can’t tell my daughters apart. I have never once called them by their names unless instructed to do so by a cue card.

24.  My favorite movie of all time is Cadet Kelly.

25.  I accidentally mail-ordered a Russian bride over the internet. So…does anyone need a wife? She doesn’t speak English.

Status Updates from God

Really pissed off at Eve.

Swimming Party at Noah’s. Each guest allowed a plus one.

Egypt: I’m really sorry about the plagues. Looking back, I think killing the firstborn was a little dramatic.

Stop asking me for some direction! Why the hell would I know how to get around the desert? It’s not like I’ve ever been there.

SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS! EVERYBODYYYYY!!!!!  Birthday party for my son Jesus! Manger behind Bethlehem Inn. BYOB. Be there or be LAME!!!! IF YOU AIN’T GETTIN’ DRUNK, GET THE FUCK OUT THE MANGER!

I don’t remember telling you people to stop writing the Bible after two testaments. Harry Potter gets freaking seven testaments, and I get two? TWO?

I think I just OK-ed Catholicism. That drunk.

Headed out to Mecca with my bro Muhammad. Spring Break 628, bitches!!!!

Just finished my bracket for Schism Madness. Roman Catholicism and Eastern Orthodoxy are in the final game, holla!!

Christopher Columbus is an ass hole. NO ONE BELIEVES THAT YOU DISCOVERED AMERICA, JERK-OFF. IT WAS THERE ALL ALONG. What an idiot.

R.I.P. any shred of dignity Africa had left. You fought well.

So…about the whole…you know, Hitler thing…That was, uh…That was kind of….I fucked up.

Just for the record: Even if I DID give someone a piece of land as a gift, it would not have been a shitty seven-mile strip in the Middle East. Let’s be serious here.

WHOOOA. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOOOOAAA. LIVING ON A PRAYER!!!

Someone explain to me the reason behind tattoos. Please.

I did not intend for marriage to be between a man and a woman. In fact, I did not intend for marriage to be between ANYONE. If I did, why weren’t Adam and Eve husband and wife? Riddle me that.

OH MY ME! SEX AND THE CITY MARATHON!!!!!!!!!!! 

Billboard/Driver Facebook Chats

Some states have banned talking on the cell phone while driving unless using a hands free kit. Others have banned drinking and driving because…well, I’m not sure why they’ve banned it. Laws like these and others are all made in an attempt to create a safer driving environment: If drivers are not distracted or inattentive, the likeliness of a car accident decreases.

Yet, in a display of great hypocrisy, the highway is littered with huge monstrosities whose soul purpose is to take the driver’s attention off the road. These monstrosities are called billboards, and usually employ bright colors, pretty girls and flashy fonts to convince the driver that looking away from the icy road is absolutely imperative, for whatever it is that the billboard has to say, it is the most important thing in the world.

Furthermore, billboards often ignite an inner dialogue that consumes the driver’s mind.

To illustrate these dialogues, I have created three examples of a Facebook Chat conversation that would occur between billboards and drivers.

Billboard: JESUS SAVES. REPENT.

Driver: If Jesus is going to save me anyway, why waste time on penance?

Billboard: BECAUSE YOU WILL GO TO HELL.

Driver: So…Jesus won’t save me?

BILLBOARD: JESUS SAVES. REPENT.

Driver: But—OH SHIT! SEMI! SEMI! SE---

Driver Status Update: Visit me! Mercy Hospital, rm 224.

Billboard: I regret my abortion.

Driver: I regret looking at this billboard.

Billboard: I took a life.

Driver: You would have been a bad Mom anyway. I mean—(explosion)

-Driver has deactivated account-

Billboard: Colonoscopy or cancer?

Driver: Um…is that…Like, is that really a choice?

Billboard: Well? Which is it?

Driver: Would anyone really choose cancer?

Billboard: It’s either that or a colonoscopy.

Driver: There’s no choice C? What about—NOOOOO!! STOP!!!

Driver: Car=totaled. 

A Facebook Message to my Wii Fit Trainer

Hello you handsome Eunuch, you. Looks like we have another yoga date, then? And I hope you wear your green shirt and grey biker shorts! I really love you in that outfit. You look less albino than usual. It’s such a shame you were born without pigmentation in your skin or hair follicles. But I love you all the same.

I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something….my Wii Fit age is kind of misleading. I’m not 42 years old, and I don’t look anything like my Mii. I don’t want you to think you’re involved with Cankles McGee—our relationship can’t be based on lies, you know. 

But the real reason I’m sending you this message is because I’m too cowardly to say this to your face: I’m cheating on you. During the Tree Pose, I don’t keep my leg up, like you do. I’m not as strong as you, I’m sorry!

Please forgive me.

I will see you at my next Body Test, then?

A Brief Introduction

I have deactivated my Facebook account, and in doing so sealed off my portal to the college social realm—a realm of one night stands and binge drinking and pregnancy scares that I am now far-removed from. Although when I was a member of academia, I was a mere spectator to such tomfoolery. Never a risk-taker, I was the awkward wall-flower, the fat ugly friend often mistaken for a lesbian, squished between two face-sucking couples on a vintage couch stained with Natti Light and Herpes.

Ah, college.

What was I thinking, dropping out? And with only one semester left?

This is what I was thinking:  WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

As so many college students do, I found myself in the uncontrollable downward spiral of an identity crisis. No longer did I want to be a hardworking career woman silhouetted by city lights, a metaphor wearing a chic pencil skirt. Nor did I want the high-end free lance writing career, the elitist cocktail parties in spacious lofts, the gay best friend that snaps his fingers fabulously and says, “FIERCE!” No, I didn’t want any of that.

I didn’t want to stay in school, stay where I was, stay on the path to that life.

So I decided to leave. I decided to stray from that path—the path I have been blazing.

And what is the one nagging, constant reminder of that path? Of that girl I used to be? That girl everyone thinks I am?

Facebook.

And thirty unwanted pounds sitting nicely on my hips. That’s a reminder, too. But you can’t deactivate fatness. Case in point: Oprah.

Anyhow, life without facebook (which, in case you haven’t caught on, is a metaphor for my college social life) is boring, lonely and filled to bursting with free time. So, what do I do with my free time?

I start a blog. A blog dedicated to the things that go on in my head without Facebook here to control my life. Oddly enough, most of these thoughts seem to manifest themselves within the social device constructs Facebook creates…