1. I really AM Muslim! And yes, because I’m Muslim, I’m responsible for September 11.
2. Not only am I half-black, half-white, I’m half-eagle.
3. Michelle (or should I say Michael?) got a sex change so that we could get married—CRAZY!!!
4. Butter Pecan ice cream makes me horny.
5. I still don’t understand how taxes work.
6. Nancy Pelosi scares the SHIT out of me.
7. My original campaign slogan was, “Let’s just give up now” but we changed it to “Yes we can” after the first few months.
8. I was high off my ass at my inauguration.
9. My childhood dream was to win a gold medal at the Olympics in Rhythmic Gymnastics.
10. I send all Make A Wish Foundation requests straight to my spam folder.
11. I. Fucking. Hate. Basketball. Contrary to popular belief and campaign commercials.
12. I was in beauty pageants until the age of 13.
13. My iPod is filled with Taylor Swift—she’s my number one ho!
14. I’m allergic to diversity.
15. My twitter handle is @barackalackaramabamalove.
16. I tried to set my high school girlfriend on fire.
17. I have never actually been to Kenya—all those pictures and videos of me in Kenya are doctored. I’m not stupid enough to go to Africa. Come on.
18. If I could go gay for anyone, it would be Anderson Cooper.
19. I think Portugal is a useless country that, if exterminated, would be missed by no one.
20. I LOVE GUNS!!!!!!!!!!! GUNS GUNS GUNS!!!! You know, it doesn’t matter if someone is a good guy or a bad guy. The winner is the one with the gun.
21. My middle name, “Hussein,” is a shortened version of “Who’s saying?” because when I was born my Mom was yelling, “WHO’S SAYING HE’S BLACK? HE’S WHITE AS THE POPE. SHOO,” and has nothing to do with the ex-leader of Iraq, though it’d be cool if it did. Right? Am I right? High-five!
22. Beer, sluts and steak. What else could a man want?
23. I can’t tell my daughters apart. I have never once called them by their names unless instructed to do so by a cue card.
24. My favorite movie of all time is Cadet Kelly.
25. I accidentally mail-ordered a Russian bride over the internet. So…does anyone need a wife? She doesn’t speak English.
