There are certain factions of Facebook's population that struggle to comprehend the language of Facebook. They find themselves asking, what is a friend? Why would someone poke me? How can you successfully play tag on the internet? What's the point of writing on someone's wall? It's not even a real wall! And what is this home page nonsense?
This issue is most prevalent in citizens of Detroit, Ireland, Fraternities and Christian Fundamentalism. In its never ending quest to bend over backwards and please everyone (because it has no spine), Facebook has developed customized vernacular settings for individuals encountering troubles having common fucking sense.
DETROIT USERS
A "friend" is referred to as "dealer"
To "poke" someone is to "bend over in the prison shower"
To "tag" someone is to "bust a cap in that ass"
To "write on someone's wall" is to "graffiti yo shit all over that train"
A "home page" is referred to as "meth lab"
IRELAND USERS
A "friend" is referred to as "whatever's on tap"
To "poke" someone is to "hurl yar guinness in their face"
To "tag" someone is to "put yar wife in 'er place"
To "write on someone's wall" is to "kiss their blarney arse"
A "home page" is referred to as "the pub"
FRATERNITY USERS
A "friend" is referred to as either "skank" or "bro"
To "poke" someone is to "bang that slut's brains out"
To "tag" someone is to "ICE"
To "write on someone's wall" is to "sharpie a cock on their forehead"
A "home page" is referred to as "free clinic"
CHRISTIAN FUNDAMENTALIST USERS
A "friend" is referred to as "Jesus"
To "poke" someone is to "graciously force them to accept Jesus as their savior"
To "tag" someone is to "admonish Satan from their secular soul"
To "write on someone's wall" is to "fulfill their book of devotions"
A "home page" is referred to as "Bible Camp"
REDNECK USERS
A "friend" is referred to as "Toby Keith"
To "poke" someone is to "is that gay sex? I ain't gay! God damn it!"
To "tag" someone is to "tattoo your name on their ass"
To "write on someone's wall" is to "put your GED to use"
A "home page" is referred to as "the double wide"
News Headlines News Feed
As a former Journalism student, I like to keep myself up-to-date with current events. I do this by reading headlines. Not articles, just the headlines. Articles have too many words.
Anyway, some headlines are…well, stupid. They can be misleading, vague or easily misconstrued.
If some of these dumbass headlines appeared in your Facebook news feed, you would definitely Facebook stalk the status of the involved party:
HEADLINE: New Hope for Hepatitis C, An often Hidden Disease
Hepatitis C’s Status: Finally! I’m more popular than A AND B!!!! Who says the youngest can’t be the best? Try forgetting about me now, world!
HEADLINE: Family Prepares Slain Newlywed’s Funeral
Slain Newlywed’s Status: Wish the fam would at least let me have a honeymoon before sticking me in a coffin.
HEADLINE: Palin: ‘I Am Not Going To Shut Up’
Everyone’s Status: Yeah. We know.
HEADLINE: Chernobyl: Nature Haven or Toxic Hellhole?
Chernobyl’s Status: What? I can’t be both?! Why does Alaska get to be both?!
HEADLINE: Shooting Victim Sorry for “Misplaced Outrage”
Shooting Victim’s Status: I mean…I got shot. There’s no need for me to get all angry about it. My apologies. Next time I almost die I’ll keep it cool.
HEADLINE: In Pursuit of Qubits, Uniting Subatomic Particles by the Billions
Everyone’s Status: WTF?
VIEW UPCOMING EVENTS
Event Name: Nuclear Apocalypse
Event Description: You have pissed off Kim Jong Il for the last time. WE'RE LOOKING AT YOU, SOUTH KOREA.
When: Tomorrow
Where: Fucking everywhere
YOUR RSVP:
You have been invited by: North Korea
Event Name: End of the World
Event Description: You can't gather this from the name?
When: 2012
Where: Fucking everywhere
YOUR RSVP:
You have been invited by: The Mayans, Nostradamus
Event Name: Global Warming
Event Description: Ice caps melting, glaciers crumbling into the ever-rising sea, carbon dioxide killing the ozone layer--basically everything that is AWESOME.
When: Right now
Where: Fucking everywhere
YOUR RSVP:
You have been invited by: Al Gore
Event Name: Mayan Calendar Sale
Event Description: Since the Mayan Calendar ends in 2012, it's time to buy a new one!
When: 2012
Where: Mesoamerica (the poor man's Cancun)
YOUR RSVP:
You have been invited by: Good Housekeeping magazine
Event Description: You have pissed off Kim Jong Il for the last time. WE'RE LOOKING AT YOU, SOUTH KOREA.
When: Tomorrow
Where: Fucking everywhere
YOUR RSVP:
- Attending
- Will be in church, pretending I believed in God all along
- Looting, Hurricane Katrina-style
You have been invited by: North Korea
Event Name: End of the World
Event Description: You can't gather this from the name?
When: 2012
Where: Fucking everywhere
YOUR RSVP:
- Attending
- Pretending this is another Y2K and won't come to fruition
- IF THIS RUINS THE OLYMPICS, I'M GONNA BE SO PISSED.
You have been invited by: The Mayans, Nostradamus
Event Name: Global Warming
Event Description: Ice caps melting, glaciers crumbling into the ever-rising sea, carbon dioxide killing the ozone layer--basically everything that is AWESOME.
When: Right now
Where: Fucking everywhere
YOUR RSVP:
- Attending
- Filling atmosphere with aerosol sprays
- I don't give a shit about polar bears
You have been invited by: Al Gore
Event Name: Mayan Calendar Sale
Event Description: Since the Mayan Calendar ends in 2012, it's time to buy a new one!
When: 2012
Where: Mesoamerica (the poor man's Cancun)
YOUR RSVP:
- Attending
- Already have a new one
- Hope this new calendar is as good as the first
You have been invited by: Good Housekeeping magazine
Relationship Status Ideas
Love is bullshit.
As such, I have some suggestions for new “relationship status” options on Facebook:
Eye-raping…
Eye-fucking…
Waving to…
Facebook Stalking…
Using lighthouse stationary to write anonymous love letters to…
Reality Stalking…
Awkwardly Getting to Know…
Drunk Hooking Up With…
Buying Plan B Because Of…
Wishes She/He Had Never Met…
Cheating on Boyfriend/Girlfriend With…
Leading On…
Fuck Buddies With…
Wants To Make Ex Jealous So She/He Is Dating…
Went To Prison After Murdering…
Sent to therapy because of…
Sucking the life out of…
Forcing religious beliefs on…
Barack Obama's 25 Random Facts
1. I really AM Muslim! And yes, because I’m Muslim, I’m responsible for September 11.
2. Not only am I half-black, half-white, I’m half-eagle.
3. Michelle (or should I say Michael?) got a sex change so that we could get married—CRAZY!!!
4. Butter Pecan ice cream makes me horny.
5. I still don’t understand how taxes work.
6. Nancy Pelosi scares the SHIT out of me.
7. My original campaign slogan was, “Let’s just give up now” but we changed it to “Yes we can” after the first few months.
8. I was high off my ass at my inauguration.
9. My childhood dream was to win a gold medal at the Olympics in Rhythmic Gymnastics.
10. I send all Make A Wish Foundation requests straight to my spam folder.
11. I. Fucking. Hate. Basketball. Contrary to popular belief and campaign commercials.
12. I was in beauty pageants until the age of 13.
13. My iPod is filled with Taylor Swift—she’s my number one ho!
14. I’m allergic to diversity.
15. My twitter handle is @barackalackaramabamalove.
16. I tried to set my high school girlfriend on fire.
17. I have never actually been to Kenya—all those pictures and videos of me in Kenya are doctored. I’m not stupid enough to go to Africa. Come on.
18. If I could go gay for anyone, it would be Anderson Cooper.
19. I think Portugal is a useless country that, if exterminated, would be missed by no one.
20. I LOVE GUNS!!!!!!!!!!! GUNS GUNS GUNS!!!! You know, it doesn’t matter if someone is a good guy or a bad guy. The winner is the one with the gun.
21. My middle name, “Hussein,” is a shortened version of “Who’s saying?” because when I was born my Mom was yelling, “WHO’S SAYING HE’S BLACK? HE’S WHITE AS THE POPE. SHOO,” and has nothing to do with the ex-leader of Iraq, though it’d be cool if it did. Right? Am I right? High-five!
22. Beer, sluts and steak. What else could a man want?
23. I can’t tell my daughters apart. I have never once called them by their names unless instructed to do so by a cue card.
24. My favorite movie of all time is Cadet Kelly.
25. I accidentally mail-ordered a Russian bride over the internet. So…does anyone need a wife? She doesn’t speak English.
Status Updates from God
Really pissed off at Eve.
Swimming Party at Noah’s. Each guest allowed a plus one.
Egypt: I’m really sorry about the plagues. Looking back, I think killing the firstborn was a little dramatic.
Stop asking me for some direction! Why the hell would I know how to get around the desert? It’s not like I’ve ever been there.
SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS! EVERYBODYYYYY!!!!! Birthday party for my son Jesus! Manger behind Bethlehem Inn. BYOB. Be there or be LAME!!!! IF YOU AIN’T GETTIN’ DRUNK, GET THE FUCK OUT THE MANGER!
I don’t remember telling you people to stop writing the Bible after two testaments. Harry Potter gets freaking seven testaments, and I get two? TWO?
I think I just OK-ed Catholicism. That drunk.
Headed out to Mecca with my bro Muhammad. Spring Break 628, bitches!!!!
Just finished my bracket for Schism Madness. Roman Catholicism and Eastern Orthodoxy are in the final game, holla!!
Christopher Columbus is an ass hole. NO ONE BELIEVES THAT YOU DISCOVERED AMERICA, JERK-OFF. IT WAS THERE ALL ALONG. What an idiot.
R.I.P. any shred of dignity Africa had left. You fought well.
So…about the whole…you know, Hitler thing…That was, uh…That was kind of….I fucked up.
Just for the record: Even if I DID give someone a piece of land as a gift, it would not have been a shitty seven-mile strip in the Middle East. Let’s be serious here.
WHOOOA. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOOOOAAA. LIVING ON A PRAYER!!!
Someone explain to me the reason behind tattoos. Please.
I did not intend for marriage to be between a man and a woman. In fact, I did not intend for marriage to be between ANYONE. If I did, why weren’t Adam and Eve husband and wife? Riddle me that.
Billboard/Driver Facebook Chats
Some states have banned talking on the cell phone while driving unless using a hands free kit. Others have banned drinking and driving because…well, I’m not sure why they’ve banned it. Laws like these and others are all made in an attempt to create a safer driving environment: If drivers are not distracted or inattentive, the likeliness of a car accident decreases.
Yet, in a display of great hypocrisy, the highway is littered with huge monstrosities whose soul purpose is to take the driver’s attention off the road. These monstrosities are called billboards, and usually employ bright colors, pretty girls and flashy fonts to convince the driver that looking away from the icy road is absolutely imperative, for whatever it is that the billboard has to say, it is the most important thing in the world.
Furthermore, billboards often ignite an inner dialogue that consumes the driver’s mind.
To illustrate these dialogues, I have created three examples of a Facebook Chat conversation that would occur between billboards and drivers.
Billboard: JESUS SAVES. REPENT.
Driver: If Jesus is going to save me anyway, why waste time on penance?
Billboard: BECAUSE YOU WILL GO TO HELL.
Driver: So…Jesus won’t save me?
BILLBOARD: JESUS SAVES. REPENT.
Driver: But—OH SHIT! SEMI! SEMI! SE---
Driver Status Update: Visit me! Mercy Hospital, rm 224.
Billboard: I regret my abortion.
Driver: I regret looking at this billboard.
Billboard: I took a life.
Driver: You would have been a bad Mom anyway. I mean—(explosion)
-Driver has deactivated account-
Billboard: Colonoscopy or cancer?
Driver: Um…is that…Like, is that really a choice?
Billboard: Well? Which is it?
Driver: Would anyone really choose cancer?
Billboard: It’s either that or a colonoscopy.
Driver: There’s no choice C? What about—NOOOOO!! STOP!!!
Driver: Car=totaled.
A Facebook Message to my Wii Fit Trainer
Hello you handsome Eunuch, you. Looks like we have another yoga date, then? And I hope you wear your green shirt and grey biker shorts! I really love you in that outfit. You look less albino than usual. It’s such a shame you were born without pigmentation in your skin or hair follicles. But I love you all the same.
I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something….my Wii Fit age is kind of misleading. I’m not 42 years old, and I don’t look anything like my Mii. I don’t want you to think you’re involved with Cankles McGee—our relationship can’t be based on lies, you know.
But the real reason I’m sending you this message is because I’m too cowardly to say this to your face: I’m cheating on you. During the Tree Pose, I don’t keep my leg up, like you do. I’m not as strong as you, I’m sorry!
Please forgive me.
I will see you at my next Body Test, then?
A Brief Introduction
I have deactivated my Facebook account, and in doing so sealed off my portal to the college social realm—a realm of one night stands and binge drinking and pregnancy scares that I am now far-removed from. Although when I was a member of academia, I was a mere spectator to such tomfoolery. Never a risk-taker, I was the awkward wall-flower, the fat ugly friend often mistaken for a lesbian, squished between two face-sucking couples on a vintage couch stained with Natti Light and Herpes.
Ah, college.
What was I thinking, dropping out? And with only one semester left?
This is what I was thinking: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
As so many college students do, I found myself in the uncontrollable downward spiral of an identity crisis. No longer did I want to be a hardworking career woman silhouetted by city lights, a metaphor wearing a chic pencil skirt. Nor did I want the high-end free lance writing career, the elitist cocktail parties in spacious lofts, the gay best friend that snaps his fingers fabulously and says, “FIERCE!” No, I didn’t want any of that.
I didn’t want to stay in school, stay where I was, stay on the path to that life.
So I decided to leave. I decided to stray from that path—the path I have been blazing.
And what is the one nagging, constant reminder of that path? Of that girl I used to be? That girl everyone thinks I am?
Facebook.
And thirty unwanted pounds sitting nicely on my hips. That’s a reminder, too. But you can’t deactivate fatness. Case in point: Oprah.
Anyhow, life without facebook (which, in case you haven’t caught on, is a metaphor for my college social life) is boring, lonely and filled to bursting with free time. So, what do I do with my free time?
I start a blog. A blog dedicated to the things that go on in my head without Facebook here to control my life. Oddly enough, most of these thoughts seem to manifest themselves within the social device constructs Facebook creates…
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