Some states have banned talking on the cell phone while driving unless using a hands free kit. Others have banned drinking and driving because…well, I’m not sure why they’ve banned it. Laws like these and others are all made in an attempt to create a safer driving environment: If drivers are not distracted or inattentive, the likeliness of a car accident decreases.
Yet, in a display of great hypocrisy, the highway is littered with huge monstrosities whose soul purpose is to take the driver’s attention off the road. These monstrosities are called billboards, and usually employ bright colors, pretty girls and flashy fonts to convince the driver that looking away from the icy road is absolutely imperative, for whatever it is that the billboard has to say, it is the most important thing in the world.
Furthermore, billboards often ignite an inner dialogue that consumes the driver’s mind.
To illustrate these dialogues, I have created three examples of a Facebook Chat conversation that would occur between billboards and drivers.
Billboard: JESUS SAVES. REPENT.
Driver: If Jesus is going to save me anyway, why waste time on penance?
Billboard: BECAUSE YOU WILL GO TO HELL.
Driver: So…Jesus won’t save me?
BILLBOARD: JESUS SAVES. REPENT.
Driver: But—OH SHIT! SEMI! SEMI! SE---
Driver Status Update: Visit me! Mercy Hospital, rm 224.
Billboard: I regret my abortion.
Driver: I regret looking at this billboard.
Billboard: I took a life.
Driver: You would have been a bad Mom anyway. I mean—(explosion)
-Driver has deactivated account-
Billboard: Colonoscopy or cancer?
Driver: Um…is that…Like, is that really a choice?
Billboard: Well? Which is it?
Driver: Would anyone really choose cancer?
Billboard: It’s either that or a colonoscopy.
Driver: There’s no choice C? What about—NOOOOO!! STOP!!!
Driver: Car=totaled.
