United States Places Trade Embargo on Duggar Family
The United States government placed a trade embargo on the Duggar Family, ordering Michelle and Jim Bob to stop producing children.
The Learning Channel’s (TLC) show “19 Kids and Counting” centers around the ever-expanding Duggar Family. Due to the Trade Embargo, TLC has changed the name to “19 Kids Making Soap and Playing Harps,” a move that the network fears will hurt viewing numbers.
“Fans of the show know that every time they turn on that TV, Michelle is popping out another kid,” said TLC President David Bartles. “Without a fetus, the show has nothing. We. Need.
A. Fetus.”
A. Fetus.”
With this new embargo comes new challenges for the Duggars, as children are their main export and source of economic growth. The 19 Duggar children are all products of a booming industry that the Duggars have profited from for over two decades, and without this booming industry, the Duggars fear they will fall into political and economic decline.
The family plans on fighting the trade embargo, defending their ongoing production with their firm belief that God continues giving them children for a reason. According to a statement released by the World Trade Organization, “God gives you birth control for a reason. Use it.” The WTO and United States government refuse to lift the trade embargo until Michelle completes menopause.
According to the official proposal of the trade embargo submitted to legislation by everyone in the world, the Duggar family is already a threat to national security. The socially awkward and overly-religious children are known to start conversations with strangers, discussing things like proverbs and denim skirts.
“We’re hoping that by preventing the creation of any more of these...well, these f*@#!%g weirdos, I guess you would call them, we can put a cap on the obstructive social behavior they exhibit,” said United States Secretary of Defense Robert M. Gates. “This is all in an attempt to make our own children, you know, the normal ones, feel safe.”
Gates has requested that Mark Zuckerberg, asthmatic and creator of popular social networking site Facebook, prevent any of the Duggar children from setting up a Facebook account so as to avoid any, “growth in support, friends or popularity.”
Zuckerberg assures that there is nothing to worry about, as the shut-in Duggar freaks believe the internet is witchcraft. Furthermore, they don’t even know what a computer is.
Bill Nye Doubts Existence of Science
Bill Nye the Science Guy, known worldwide for his love of bowties and his television program, revealed in a recent interview that he is unsure whether or not science actually exists. Audiences are shocked to discover that this mascot of science has doubts about the field’s existence.
Protestors outside the White House are demanding that Nye be stripped of his lab coat and taken off his show, suggesting that Al Gore the Science Whore replace him as host.
“I would love to take over Nye’s post,” Gore said. “Lying to people about science is my absolute favorite.”
Nye explained that he is “going through some tough shit” and “needs to figure stuff out.”
“I just hope all those adorable science geeks in head gear don’t see me as some sort of traitor,” Nye said. “I just don’t know what to believe anymore!”
NASA Administrator Charles Bolden held a press conference this morning to beg the public for their support of Nye while he soul-searches.
“At one point in time, Bill Nye was, in fact, a firm believer in science,” Bolden said. “He had the faith of a child, never questioning why chlorophyll makes things green.”
Bolden went on to say that scientists and want-to-be scientists and pretty much anyone who doesn’t get laid needs to keep Nye in their evolution-supporting thoughts. “Now is not the time to turn our scoliosis-plagued backs on him.”
Facebook creator and pale virgin Mark Zuckerberg is threatening to remove any Bill Nye-related pages on the social networking site. “If I find out that he lied about 1.3 million earths fitting inside the sun, then you better believe I won’t be reducing, reusing, or recycling any of his fan pages. I’m deleting them.”
Awareness Ribbon Awareness Day
In an attempt to raise awareness about awareness ribbons, Dec. 20 has been declared Awareness Ribbon Awareness Day. Convinced that there are not enough wanna-be-Christmas holidays during this month (you’re not a real holiday, Hannukkah. And Solstice … what the F&^%?), President Barack Obama issued an official statement last week about the new holiday.
“We want America to be aware that they are aware, which is why Awareness Ribbon Awareness Day is so crucial,” Obama said. “It also eliminates the need for all these awareness weeks. America doesn’t care that much.”
Ribbon Factory, an online manufacturer of awareness ribbons, has already sold over one million Awareness Ribbon Awareness ribbons, which are made out of intestinal lining because, according to Ribbon Factory CEO Cheryl Fleur, “it is the only color that isn’t being used by some other pointless cause.” The intestinal lining ribbon fridge and car magnets are also selling fast and are already starting to appear on upper middle class family’s minivans and SUVs.
Facebook founder Mark "Faggot" Zuckerberg has personally started 185 groups, 64 fan pages and 82 applications on his social networking site in support of Awareness Ribbon Awareness Day.
“Thanks to awareness ribbons, chicks think I support these causes,” Zuckerberg said, proudly sporting twelve different ribbons on his sweater vest, including the intestinal lining Awareness Ribbon Awareness ribbon. “I don’t even know what Autism is, but I’m wearing this weird-ass puzzle ribbon, so I must be a fan of “Rainman.” Right?”
Hallmark is urging all customers to take advantage of their Awareness Ribbon Awareness Day sound cards, which feature different celebrity figures saying, “I’m Aware” over and over again. Hallmark is also selling Awareness Ribbon Awareness Day calendars, mugs, ornaments and figurines.
