Roll of Shame—this inspiring piece is about a paraplegic sorority girl that bravely rolls in her wheelchair all the way home from the frat house, make-up running, shoulder strap askew, tangled hair, missing shoe, and dignity lost. Unlike the other sorostitutes, this girl cannot walk the Walk of Shame, but that doesn’t stop her from being a whore. Interview her about her bravery, including overcoming the difficulties of steering a wheelchair while still drunk from the night before.
Taxidermy helps preserve memory of loved ones—A taxidermist has taken to stuffing and mounting busts of the recently deceased, meaning that just because grandma is dead, doesn’t mean she can’t come to Christmas dinner! Interview family member of someone with taxidermied loved one about how, “it’s like they never died!” Talk about all the activities people do with the taxidermied busts, like going to the movies, fishing, or having family dinners at Applebee’s.
Irish nation confused over mission of Alcoholics Anonymous—Irishmen and women are completely befuddled about what Alcoholics Anonymous is. They cannot grasp why there would be a program to help people stop drinking. Furthermore, why would God support such a program? Interview an Irishman about how he went to an AA meeting and was flustered that the only drink available was coffee. Also have AA representative there to explain. Irishman gets even more confused, than angry, and a fight ensues.
Kim Jong Il moonlights as fast food mascot—According to North Korean officials, Kim Jong Il has secretly been working as a fast food mascot to earn some extra cash. Interview political analyst that talks about how being a tyrant is expensive, and Kim Jong Il’s taste for fashion (high heels and shades) exceeds his dictator salary. Also interview fast food restaurant manager, who says Kim Jong Il has won Employee of the Month six times in a row, and is especially good with the children.
Medical experts discover spread of AIDs caused by displays and acts of gayness—In one of the biggest medical breakthroughs in years, doctors have traced the origins of spreading AIDs to being totally and indisputably gay. Paisley satin collared shirts, ascots, listening to Elton John, being Elton John, turtlenecks, coordinating socks and shirts, scarves, and other flamboyantly gay displays and/or acts infect the subject with AIDs. Scientists believe that, since being so gay is the cause of AIDS, being straight (intolerant-of-everyone straight) can cure the disease. Interview scientific expert as well as extremely gay individual with AIDs, who is remorseful that he had to be so gay. If he weren’t so gay, he wouldn’t be sick.
Boy scout first in troop to earn “Not a Virgin” badge—A local boy scout in troop 413 recently had sex with that slutty Junior girl scout Melanie and is the first in his troop to earn the “Not a Virgin” badge, a badge coveted by tiger scouts near and far. Interview boy scout about how he convinced Melanie to have sex with him (“I showed her all my badges and my amazing compass skills”) and how his fellow troop members have reacted to his new badge.
“She” did in fact say all of those things—For years we’ve been wondering who she is and why she says all these inappropriate things. The phrase “that’s what she said” actually applies to someone, and she is finally stepping forward in an exclusive interview and talks about what she really said, what she was referring to, and why she has so many STD’s.
New exceptions in traffic cases involving Asians—A recent Supreme Court ruling states that any driver who hits and subsequently kills a pedestrian or other driver is not held responsible if the other driver is Asian. Interview a cop who explains that 100% of the time, the Asian is confused and the accident was most likely—no, definitely—the Asian’s fault. Also have a handicapped Asian that was hit by a bus explain why it was their fault that the bus did not slow down when the Asian had the right-of-way at an intersection and why it is the Asian’s fault. Both interviewees support the new ruling, and are excited to know that innocent victims of Asian confusion will no longer go to jail.
Pope promises to be a great leader for both Catholic church and Nazi Party—Catholic and Nazi officials are thrilled to announce that Pope Benedict XVI has developed a new doctrine that combines his roles as Head of the Church and Hitler Reincarnate. He assures that important Aryan beliefs such as anti-semitism and anti-everything-else-itism will adhere perfectly to the Cathlic beliefs of anti-semitism and anti-everything-else-itism. Interview Catholic cardinal and Nazi about the Pope’s plans to healthily incorporate both belief systems into one.
New gag reflex technology improves bulimia—Bulimics everywhere are rejoicing now that doctors have developed gag reflex replacement surgery. For those bulimics who have stuck their fingers down their throats one-too-many times, gag reflex replacement promises a fresh start. Interview bulimic who can throw up her food for the rest of her life thanks to the new procedure, and doesn’t have to worry about losing her gag reflex. Also interview doctor about why it’s important for these girls to keep throwing up and not become fat—because fat people are ugly and annoying.
Jungle cats petting zoo a hit—The city has introduced a new Jungle Cats Petting Zoo, a petting zoo with exotic jungle animals like lions, tigers, jaguars, and many more. The zoo has been a great success with families, especially big families that can afford to lose a kid or two to an angry jungle cat.
