Anderson Cooper recently inboxed all of his friends on Facebook with the latest update from the War in Afghanistan:
Anderson Cooper here reporting for MSNBC, and I have to say that the Peeny Tap War in Afghanistan is far more horrific than the government will have you believe. Children as young as 9 are being trained as soldiers for this crotch-slapping Jihad. Innocent civilians are busting nuts left and right, falling victim to surprise attacks and suicide bombings--or an attack in which the tapper has no protection of his peeny, leaving it open and vulnerable.
I.E.D.s', Improvised Erectile Dysfunctions claim the lives of dozens of U.S. soldiers' manhoods every day, leaving the Afghani streets a completely unnavigable mess. Not even the hot chick from CSI could get through here.
It's really bad guys. I myself have been Peeny Tapped and my black and blue balls are proof that Peeny Warfare is no joke. In fact, my family jewels are so damaged that an army surgeon has informed me that all of my children will be retarded.
This is Anderson Cooper, reporting from Afghanistan.
Even Trash has a Facebook
These are REAL statuses from my favoritest, trashiest, most stalkable facebook friends:
ITS LIKE U SAY U LOVE ME THEN LOOK AT ME N TREAT ME LIKE TRASH. BUT IF U LOVED ME U WUD NO ME AND NO YOU SHUD TREAT ME LIKE TREASURE. PAST IS PAST. LOVE IS REAL. ACTIONS R LOUDER THAN WORDS. THE VIBE U GIVIN...Y AINT U TOOK YO TRASH OUT? AFRAID SUMONE MITE PICK IT UP AND C IT FOR WAT IT IS? IF U WAITN ON TIME TO CHANGE YO WAYS DNT WAIT TOO LONG
I want 2 thank my GOD for wakin me up dis morning and Thank GOD for puttin all my postive ppl in my life and letting me leave the negative ppl alone that wants 2 put me down all the time THANK U GOD I LOVE U
You males need to quit lyin to us females. We know when you're doing we just disregard it because ya'll will defend it to the end!
Click on "Like" if I've ever made you smile in your life. Then, set this as your status and see how many people you have made smile. Play along and re-post it
You are the most PRECIOUS to me in this world after my Parents (REAL post from a REAL husband to his WIFE...not joking)
~~~~~~DAMN ((EEEEEEVVVVVVVVRRRRYYYYYYYY))
ITS LIKE U SAY U LOVE ME THEN LOOK AT ME N TREAT ME LIKE TRASH. BUT IF U LOVED ME U WUD NO ME AND NO YOU SHUD TREAT ME LIKE TREASURE. PAST IS PAST. LOVE IS REAL. ACTIONS R LOUDER THAN WORDS. THE VIBE U GIVIN...Y AINT U TOOK YO TRASH OUT? AFRAID SUMONE MITE PICK IT UP AND C IT FOR WAT IT IS? IF U WAITN ON TIME TO CHANGE YO WAYS DNT WAIT TOO LONG
I want 2 thank my GOD for wakin me up dis morning and Thank GOD for puttin all my postive ppl in my life and letting me leave the negative ppl alone that wants 2 put me down all the time THANK U GOD I LOVE U
You males need to quit lyin to us females. We know when you're doing we just disregard it because ya'll will defend it to the end!
Click on "Like" if I've ever made you smile in your life. Then, set this as your status and see how many people you have made smile. Play along and re-post it
You are the most PRECIOUS to me in this world after my Parents (REAL post from a REAL husband to his WIFE...not joking)
~~~~~~DAMN ((EEEEEEVVVVVVVVRRRRYYYYYYYY))
Bono's Newest Song
Songwriter Bono has taken to posting his newest songs on his Facebook fan page. The newest one reflects his most recent visit to Jersey Shore.
So, let’s take a second here
And talk about Jersey Shore
The spray on tans, the greasy hair
And don’t forget the whores
Down on the boardwalk in Jersey
There’s a wonderful kind of life
With snooks, and J-Woww and Chlamydia
GTL every day, party every night
Down on the boardwalk in Jersey
Where sequins and glitter reside
Velour running suits are totally cool
Ed Hardy shirts are stretched so tight
Let’s take a second here
And talk about Jersey Shore
The booty shorts and tramp stamps
And don’t forget the whores
Down on the boardwalk in Jersey
Waking up in vomit ain’t no big
No one will ever judge you
If your Herpes flares up every other week
Down on the boardwalk in Jersey
Those Catholic Italians roam
Eating lasagna, praying the rosary
Gym, tan, laundry, party, home
Let’s take a second here
And talk about Jersey Shore
All those grenades can go and hang themselves
Cause we only want the whores
Don’t forget the whores
Those beautiful Jersey Shore whores
Facebook CNN Application
Facebook has just released a new application by CNN. The application grants all members updates from CNN's budget desk. See what stories the newsmen are pitching with this new application!
Roll of Shame—this inspiring piece is about a paraplegic sorority girl that bravely rolls in her wheelchair all the way home from the frat house, make-up running, shoulder strap askew, tangled hair, missing shoe, and dignity lost. Unlike the other sorostitutes, this girl cannot walk the Walk of Shame, but that doesn’t stop her from being a whore. Interview her about her bravery, including overcoming the difficulties of steering a wheelchair while still drunk from the night before.
Taxidermy helps preserve memory of loved ones—A taxidermist has taken to stuffing and mounting busts of the recently deceased, meaning that just because grandma is dead, doesn’t mean she can’t come to Christmas dinner! Interview family member of someone with taxidermied loved one about how, “it’s like they never died!” Talk about all the activities people do with the taxidermied busts, like going to the movies, fishing, or having family dinners at Applebee’s.
Irish nation confused over mission of Alcoholics Anonymous—Irishmen and women are completely befuddled about what Alcoholics Anonymous is. They cannot grasp why there would be a program to help people stop drinking. Furthermore, why would God support such a program? Interview an Irishman about how he went to an AA meeting and was flustered that the only drink available was coffee. Also have AA representative there to explain. Irishman gets even more confused, than angry, and a fight ensues.
Kim Jong Il moonlights as fast food mascot—According to North Korean officials, Kim Jong Il has secretly been working as a fast food mascot to earn some extra cash. Interview political analyst that talks about how being a tyrant is expensive, and Kim Jong Il’s taste for fashion (high heels and shades) exceeds his dictator salary. Also interview fast food restaurant manager, who says Kim Jong Il has won Employee of the Month six times in a row, and is especially good with the children.
Medical experts discover spread of AIDs caused by displays and acts of gayness—In one of the biggest medical breakthroughs in years, doctors have traced the origins of spreading AIDs to being totally and indisputably gay. Paisley satin collared shirts, ascots, listening to Elton John, being Elton John, turtlenecks, coordinating socks and shirts, scarves, and other flamboyantly gay displays and/or acts infect the subject with AIDs. Scientists believe that, since being so gay is the cause of AIDS, being straight (intolerant-of-everyone straight) can cure the disease. Interview scientific expert as well as extremely gay individual with AIDs, who is remorseful that he had to be so gay. If he weren’t so gay, he wouldn’t be sick.
Boy scout first in troop to earn “Not a Virgin” badge—A local boy scout in troop 413 recently had sex with that slutty Junior girl scout Melanie and is the first in his troop to earn the “Not a Virgin” badge, a badge coveted by tiger scouts near and far. Interview boy scout about how he convinced Melanie to have sex with him (“I showed her all my badges and my amazing compass skills”) and how his fellow troop members have reacted to his new badge.
“She” did in fact say all of those things—For years we’ve been wondering who she is and why she says all these inappropriate things. The phrase “that’s what she said” actually applies to someone, and she is finally stepping forward in an exclusive interview and talks about what she really said, what she was referring to, and why she has so many STD’s.
New exceptions in traffic cases involving Asians—A recent Supreme Court ruling states that any driver who hits and subsequently kills a pedestrian or other driver is not held responsible if the other driver is Asian. Interview a cop who explains that 100% of the time, the Asian is confused and the accident was most likely—no, definitely—the Asian’s fault. Also have a handicapped Asian that was hit by a bus explain why it was their fault that the bus did not slow down when the Asian had the right-of-way at an intersection and why it is the Asian’s fault. Both interviewees support the new ruling, and are excited to know that innocent victims of Asian confusion will no longer go to jail.
Pope promises to be a great leader for both Catholic church and Nazi Party—Catholic and Nazi officials are thrilled to announce that Pope Benedict XVI has developed a new doctrine that combines his roles as Head of the Church and Hitler Reincarnate. He assures that important Aryan beliefs such as anti-semitism and anti-everything-else-itism will adhere perfectly to the Cathlic beliefs of anti-semitism and anti-everything-else-itism. Interview Catholic cardinal and Nazi about the Pope’s plans to healthily incorporate both belief systems into one.
New gag reflex technology improves bulimia—Bulimics everywhere are rejoicing now that doctors have developed gag reflex replacement surgery. For those bulimics who have stuck their fingers down their throats one-too-many times, gag reflex replacement promises a fresh start. Interview bulimic who can throw up her food for the rest of her life thanks to the new procedure, and doesn’t have to worry about losing her gag reflex. Also interview doctor about why it’s important for these girls to keep throwing up and not become fat—because fat people are ugly and annoying.
Jungle cats petting zoo a hit—The city has introduced a new Jungle Cats Petting Zoo, a petting zoo with exotic jungle animals like lions, tigers, jaguars, and many more. The zoo has been a great success with families, especially big families that can afford to lose a kid or two to an angry jungle cat.
Acclaim For Facebook
EVERYONE LOVES FACEBOOK!!! Check out these real-life testimonials:
My band is less obsolete and emo because we have 16 fans on Facebook. Righteous.
I can monitor who is getting my daughter pregnant and at which frat house. It’s great!
Best thing for Lepers since Jesus!
I’m Bill Gates, and I’m totally sucking Mark Zuckerberg’s cock right now.
This new stalkbook lets stalkers feel like real people—the closest we’ll ever become to actually feeling real people.
Thanks to Facebook allowing users of all age, pedophiles like me feel right at home…Because, to enjoy Facebook, we literally don’t have to leave our homes! Or our jail cells…
Alternate Names For Facebook
When creating Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg had several ideas for names, including...
GenitaliaBook.com
Desperate4Friendz.com
ZuckerJizzzzzzz.com
SuckItMySpace.com
NoFatChicks.com
NotPornButCloseEnough.com
FucktardsWithLowSelfEsteem.com
BookofAttentionWhores.com
Why People Deactivate Their Facebook Accounts
Waldo deactivated Apr. 25, 2010.
Reason for leaving: No one could find me on Facebook, so my friend count was ZERO. And I tried having a MySpace, but the same thing: ZERO FRIENDS. Not even Tom could find me. WHY AM I SO FUCKING HARD TO FIND?? Even Osama Bin Laden has friends!!!!
Jesus deactivated Jan. 3, 2011.
Reason for leaving: People kept asking me for shit. I don't want to be dealing with their stupid problems when I'm Facebook stalking Mary Magdalene. Yeah, I tapped that.
Karl Rove deactivated Sept. 4, 2009.
Reason for leaving: Mark Zuckerberg is a homo.
Justin Bieber deactivated Dec. 2, 2010.
Reason for leaving: My Mom found the thread between me and Usher...Including the pictures he sent of his belieber. And by belieber I mean penis.
Allah deactivated Jan. 4, 2011.
Reason for leaving: Just trying to keep up with Jesus.
Reason for leaving: No one could find me on Facebook, so my friend count was ZERO. And I tried having a MySpace, but the same thing: ZERO FRIENDS. Not even Tom could find me. WHY AM I SO FUCKING HARD TO FIND?? Even Osama Bin Laden has friends!!!!
Jesus deactivated Jan. 3, 2011.
Reason for leaving: People kept asking me for shit. I don't want to be dealing with their stupid problems when I'm Facebook stalking Mary Magdalene. Yeah, I tapped that.
Karl Rove deactivated Sept. 4, 2009.
Reason for leaving: Mark Zuckerberg is a homo.
Justin Bieber deactivated Dec. 2, 2010.
Reason for leaving: My Mom found the thread between me and Usher...Including the pictures he sent of his belieber. And by belieber I mean penis.
Allah deactivated Jan. 4, 2011.
Reason for leaving: Just trying to keep up with Jesus.
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